If there's one thing you can count on around the holidays it's family fights. A new survey asked kids between eight and 17 years old to name the most embarrassing things their parents do. Now, as a parent, I take a particular delight in torturing my kids. I mean, doesn't everyone? So here's the list of the top 10 things kids complain about along with my thoughts on why they're wrong. Enjoy!
10. TEASING ME ABOUT A BOY OR GIRL
Ok, I don't really do this a lot since my kids are only 3 and 4. I probably won't when they're older either. Relationships are hard enough out there, so I don't want to add to that pressure.
9. YELLING AT ME
I try not to yell. **TRY** After the seventeenth time I've told you to pick up your toys, you're getting yelled at. That's embarrassing? Pick up your toys. Problem solved.
8. HUGGING AND KISSING ME
Oh-ho-yes! There is absolutely no room for negotiation here. You will receive all the hugs and kisses I care to deliver. If you wipe my kisses off your face, you've just earned some more! Embarrassment over getting hugs and kisses only fuels the fire that generates more hugs and kisses. It's a vicious circle and you're trapped in it for life.
7. PASSING GAS
I am a dad. I am always on the lookout for that moment when your mother isn't there and I can unleash my special daddy toots of love. Think of them as warm, smelly hugs.
6. TRYING TO ACT COOL OR YOUNG
I *AM* cool. You just haven't figured that out yet. I've been cool for longer than you've been alive. I was cool before it was cool to be cool. I created YOU, and you're pretty cool so maybe dad isn't so bad?
5. MAKING ME DO THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO
Psssht. That's not parenting, that's life. I wanted to be Anthony Bourdain and spend my days travelling to exotic locations to eat the best food in the world, while getting paid millions to do it. Instead, I'm in an office typing up top 10 lists to post on the internet. The least YOU can do is take out the trash.
4. BEING OVERLY PROTECTIVE OR ATTENTIVE
This is really more your mom than me, but I fully support it. You only *THINK* we're being over protective. It's because of us that you have no idea how dangerous the world is. Enjoy it while you can. You're safe and loved. The time will come when you will wish you could run back into our annoyingly overprotective arms. We will keep them ready for as long as we can.
3. THINKING THEY'RE FUNNY WHEN THEY'RE NOT
Ummmm, I am *HILARIOUS*. Have you heard yourself tell a joke? Your timing is bad, you botch the delivery of the punchline and laugh at your own joke before you're even done telling it. Amature. Watch and learn from the master.
2. ACTING WEIRD OR, "BEING SILLY"
I'm not acting. I'm just being me. Settle in and get used to this for the next however-many-years-until-I-die.
1. TELLING PEOPLE STORIES ABOUT ME OR SHOWING THEM PICTURES OF ME
You have no idea. Thanks to smartphones and social media, I have been amassing a library of blackmail material on you since birth. I'm almost looking forward to your teenage years. You wanna talk back to me? How about I post that cutesy-wootsie wittle picture of you from when you were a baby and tag all your friends in it? I have a enough footage of you to make a feature-length blooper reel of your life. Editing this down will be my masterpiece. It's my life's work.